THE SHORT CLUB
Thursday, june 25, 1713.
—Inest sua gratis parvis.
It Is the great rule of behaviour, " to follow nature."
The Author of the following letter is so much convinced of this truth, that he turns what would render a man of little soul exceptious, humoursome, and particular in all his actions, to a subject of raillery and mirth. He is, you must know, but half as tall as an ordinary man, but is contented to be still at his friend’s elbow, and has set up a club, to which he hopes to bring those of his own size into a little reputation.
"TO NESTOR IRONSIDE, ESQ.
— " Sir,— " I remember a saying of yours concerning persons in low circumstances of stature, that their littleness would hardly be taken notice of, if they did not manifest a consciousness of it themselves in all their behaviour. Indeed the observation that no man is ridiculous, for being what he is, but only in the affection of being something more, is equally true in regard to the mind and the body.
— " I question not but it will be pleasing to you to hear that a set of us have formed a society, who are sworn to ‘ dare to be short,’ and boldly bear out the dignity of littleness under the noses of those enormous engrossers
of manhood, those hyperbolical monsters of the species, the tall fellows that overlook us.
— " The day of our institution was the tenth of December, being the shortest of the year, on which we are to hold an annual feast over a dish of shrimps.
— " The place we have chosen for this meeting is in the Little Piazza, not without an eye to the neighbourhood of Mr. Powel’s opera,1 for the performers of which we have, as becomes us, a brotherly affection.
— " At our first resort hither an old woman brought her son to the clubroom, desiring he might b educated in this school, because she saw here were finer boys than ordinary. However, this accident no way discouraged our designs. We began with sending invitations to those of a stature not exceeding five foot, to repair to our assembly ; but the greater part returned excuses, or pretended they were not qualified.
— " One said he was indeed but five foot at present, but represented he should soon exceed that proportion, his periwig-maker and shoe-maker having lately promised bim three inches more betwixt them.
— " Another alleged, he was so unfortunate as to have one leg shorter than the other, and whoever had determined his stature to five foot, had taken him at a disadvantage ; for when he was mounted on the other leg, he was at least five foot two inches and a half.
— " There were some who questioned the exactness of our measures ; and others, instead of complying, returned us informations of people yet shorter than themselves. In a word, almost every one recommended some neighbour or acquaintance, whom he was willing we should look upon to be less than he. We were not a little ashamed that those who are past the years of growth, and whose beards pronounce them men, should be guilty of as many unfair tricks in this point, as the most aspiring children when they are measured.
— " We therefore proceeded to fit up the clubroom, and provide conveniences for our accomodation. In the first place we caused a total removal of all chairs, stools, and tables, which had served the gross of mankind for many years, The disadvantages we had undergone while we made use of these was unspeakable. The president’s whole body was sunk in the elbow chair : and when his arms were spread over it, he appeared (to the great lessening of his dignity) like a child in a go-cart. It was also so wide in the seat, as to give a wag occasion of saying, that notwithstang the president sat in it, there was a sede vacante.
— " The table was so high, that one who came by chance to the door, seeing our chins just above the pewter dishes, took us for a circle of men that sat ready to be shaved, and sent in half a dozen barbers. Another time on e of the club spoke contumeliously of the president, imagining he had been absent, when he was only eclipsed by a flask of Florence which stood on the table in a parallel line before his face. We therefore new-furnished the room in all respects prportionally to us, and had the door made lower, so as to admit no man above five foot high, without brushing his foretop, which whoever does, is utterly unqualified to sit among us.
— " Some of the statutes of the club are as follows :
— " I. If it be proved upon any member, though never so duly qualified, that he strives as much as possible to get a bove his size, by stretching, cocking, or the like ; or that he hath stood on tiptoe in a crowd, with design to be taken for as tall a man as the rest ; or hath privily conveyed any large book, cricket, or other device under him, to exalt him on his seat : every such offender shall be sentenced to walk in pumps for a whole month.
— " II. If any member shall take advantage from the fullness or the length of his wig, or any part of his dress, or the immoderate extent of his hat, or otherwise, to seem larger
and higher than he is : it is ordered, he shall wear red heels to his shoes, and a red feather in his hat, which may apparently mark and set bounds to the extremities of his small dimension, that all people may readily find out between his hat and his shoes.
— " III. If any member shall purchase a horse for his own riding above fourteen hands and a half in weight, that horse shall forthwith be sold, a Scotch galloway bought in its stead for him, and the overplus of money shall treat the club.
— " IV. If any member, in direct contradiction to the fundamental laws of the society, shall wear the heels of his shoes exceeding one inch and half, it shall be interpreted as an open renunciation of littleness, and the criminal shall be instantly expelled. Note, The form to be used in expeling a member shall be in these words, ‘ Go from among us, and be tall if you can ! ’
— " It is the unaninmous opinion of our whole society, that since the race of mankind is granted to have decreased in stature from the beginning of time to the present, it is the intent of nature itself, that men should be little ; and we believe that all human kind shall at last grow down to perfection, that is to say be reduced to our own measure.
I am, very literally,
Your humble servant,
The Guardian. 1713.